Almost a New Year!

I can't believe I am still alive. This year will be better than the last (perhaps). At least I am actively aware that I am mentally ill and know now how to respond to it. I don't want to return to where I am this year. Things can get markedly better (I hope timidly). Here's hoping this year will be better than the last.

No Offense Taken

I am at the point in my life that I no longer take offense to comments that are deemed politically  incorrect. People either respect those who are different and therefore try not to be offensive. Or they don't see anyone who is not like themselves as quite human and therefore don't treat them as such.  I can't make you see me as a human being.  I am not going to try. I will live my life and you will put me into whatever box you see fit. I am no longer worried about men being sexist, one racial group or another finding my racial group to be "savage", other people hating my country has done, how some people think I'm too old for certain things (like getting married) or too young for other things (valuing my opinion and expertise concerning work). Blah blah. Live and let live.

Ning?

Build a practical bipolar community.

In the past, I have actively participated in different Ning communities ranging from hair, makeup, social justice to dating.  I am thinking of starting a Ning community for people with mental illness. I am not sure if I want to keep it general or specific (only bipolar disorder). I don't have particular interest in other disorders besides my own. I know that is not politically correct. And I might feel this way right now because I am depressed. On the other hand, I know all mental illnesses share commonalities (Aren't I capricious with my viewpoints). I come across on the internet many fascinating people who have "issues" and are dealing with them.  It would be nice to have one place where people will share there coping strategies. Ning would allow people to use different mediums like video sharing/vlogging e.g. YouTube. Straight up blogging, podcasts, etc.

I'll think about it.  This would be a distraction that would keep me connected to the world, so it might be a worthwhile endeavor.

Coming to Terms. . .

Sorry if I am repeating myself from previous posts, frankly I can do whatever I want...

I like to "distract" myself from my reality and focus on the macro goals. I can't do that until I get stable. I need to stop my the crazy clinic and make an appointment. I dislike using the telephone so much.

I have bipolar disorder.

Yeah I get it after what. . . eight years or so being told that I was. Who in their right mind when they are starting off in adulthood wants to be told that they have a serious, persistent, life changing mental disorder that they will need to control with medications for the rest of their life? Well I understood what my doctor at the time was telling me and yes I had gone through a cycle of mania (for the first time and depression), but I could not believe I would have to battle this my whole life. Now I know my body better. I am not a rapid cycler. I stay in a state for quite a while; depression lasting longer than mania. But I get both. And they are distinct. Now I know I for certain that I always have a underlying malaise. The range for my depression can go from feeling slightly fatigue to wanting to jump off the overpass psyche ward type of shit. What was my point of this post?mmm... yes. Coming to terms. I looked in the mirror and I didn't like what I saw. I will be making small changes that will add up to big changes. Things take time.

KDrama Love-Secret Garden

If you're not into Korean dramas (dramas meaning like primetime television in the states. KDramas can be from any genre: comedy, drama, futuristic, etc.) Then my current obsession is Secret Garden. I love this drama for now (side eye). I have to wait to give my full opinion because I have been disappointed in the ending of kdramas in the past soooooooooooo..... here's a link http://www.dramafever.com/drama/3875/ I tried to give you the legal sites first and then the shady ones if they aren't available :). BTW, Hyun Bin and Ha Ji-Won are acting the asses off.

A Year in the Making.. . .

As you can tell from most of my journal entries, I am a fan of stream of consciousnesses. Frankly it takes much effort on my part to write anything let alone make it coherent. So please forgive my writing for now. It will be one of the signs that I am at a functioning level when my writing improves.

I have this running to-do list in which I haven't done anything on it. So tomorrow THURSDAY, I will try to accomplish my list no matter what.

I haven't felt like this in months. I know I am not manic. I am currently in a state where I can "power through" I think this is what it feels like to those people who don't have a mental illness but are experiencing episodic depression. Or it might be that my brain, which has been overly depressed since February this year, is tired of debilitating depression and is cycling into a mixed state. (Are you having enough of the mental psycho terminology? I can never get enough).

Damn it. I'm mad at myself. Just when I was making progress, I don't take a step backwards; I jump of the bridge (well, almost).

Frustration. Grrrrrrrrrr.

To Do List for Thursday (Perhaps sharing with the universe will help me be accountable)
1. Make a doctor's appt.
2. See if I am approved for health care insurance and for how long?
3. Go Shopping at Evil Ass Walmart
4. Post Office
5. Pay Some Bills
6. Walgreens---For what? I don't remember, it'll come to me or I will wander around the store until I remember.

That's all I will attempt for tomorrow

Merry Christmas?

This Christmas is like most in the past. No real celebrations. No enthusiasm about life. I won't ever have another Christmas like this. My life is at a 3 right now. Next Christmas it will be at least an 8.
No more excuses.

Be Loving. Be Lovable. Be Loved.

Manic Monday...erm...Wednesday.

I am writing a short glib about the beginning of my manic stage. I ended my period yesterday and today I feel like I can do anything. I feel beautiful, I can be a doctor, a scientist, learn 10 languages, etc. Completely irrational shit. I am enjoying cleaning and organizing things. I am planning what I should do with my life. Oh shit. I would like to have sex and chocolate or cholocate incorporated with sex---whatevs.........

Neediness Invites Loneliness.

how true. Life is full of ironies. If you are too needy, most people find that to be unattractive and will keep distant. If you are aloof, then people try to get closer to you. They want to "discover" you. They want to know your secrets and feel like they are the only ones who "get" you. Lesson learned: People suck.

Abandonment

I dislike getting close to people for I fear that they will leave me when they know the real me.

Going to the Nuthouse and Subsequent Suicide Attempts...

I haven't written on this blog for a quite awhile. I had a complete and scary breakdown. I am currently truly recovering. I've learned a lot about myself, my family and the willingness of complete strangers to help and most importantly the type of care one can expect in the good old U.S.A. if you are uninsured (shitty care, spotty care, incomplete care). I am definitely not proud to be an American.

My breakdown, my break from reality, my break-a-part mentality began on Wednesday, October 13. I felt like death was upon me. My body was screaming for me to end my existence. I was terrified. Unfortunately my mother must have picked up on this and started nagging me nonstop. She tends to get in your face if you don't obey and do as she commands. I couldn't take HER anymore I told her to leave me alone. She wouldn't stop talking. I went to my room and tried to calm myself down, but she kept asking me questions about what am I going to do with my life? I was thinking to myself, "What fucking life? I am trying not to end it!" I didn't say this out loud. She kept harping on me and I snapped. I ran out of my room. I had my MP3 player ear phones in my ear still and the MP3 player in my hand. I lost it I ran into the sliding glass door I broke my MP3 player. I threw that across the room. I was screaming and cursing nonsense. I got up in my mom's face and screamed at her for the first time in my life. I saw that I scarred her and that made me happy. I know this is going to sound horrible, but I was proud of myself to let her have it just like she how she treated me all my life. Then I took the telephone and threw that across the room too. Oh I threw everything that was on the kitchen counter on the floor. My mom ran out of the house. She has never seen me as angry.

I had peace for about an hour; she was gone. She returned with my father. I explained the situation to him. And my mom started her nagging ways again. She just can't leave anything alone except for talking about the abuse that has happened to me. She gets quiet then. My brain was hurting and I felt like my body didn't belong to me. My mom wanted me to leave the house. I didn't see the need to leave. I needed help. She claimed she was scarred. She's a fucking bitch. Really. You're scarred. Bitch. (sorry everyone, but writing this out is making me live that day over again). I made my wishy washy dad leave. I hated that he smelt like alcohol and was trying to get me to give him a phony hug and he kept saying he "loved me" but hasn't seen me in two years. blah blah. My mom left again and told me I needed to leave. I am not quite sure if I left when she came back or did I leave when she was in another room in the house. Anyway I left the house and I had this really placid thought that I should jump off the overpass. It took me an hour to walk to the overpass and for about 5 hours I kept looking down unto the interstate and then I would walk away from it and come back to it and stand on the concrete blockade and lean forward. I knew in less than 20 seconds my life would end. It was a soothing thought. Cars would pass and no one would looked my way. Then I thought about how pathetic I felt and how I didn't want everyone to know how pathetic my life was. I didn't realize how much I value other people's opinion of me. I went back "home" early in the morning. (I can't write anymore about this it's irritating).

OMG I'm Crazy.

It's been certified. I am bonafied crazy. I am beginning my long ass recovery. More later.

Least Valuable Human Being

In my family, the concern for me was whether or not I could be a caregiver to my autistic brother. That is what made me valuable. Now that he is in a group home; concern for me has ceased. I hate that I didn't pick up on where I had fit in the family dynamic earlier. I would have been more selfish, more stereotypically masculine. Caregiving is sacrifice. You don't get anything out of it in return except a lower lifetime wealth accumulation. That is why it is not respected as a profession (it's not where the money is at). I was a fool.

Suicide Letter

I committed suicide due to the overwhelming pain I have experienced for the last 24 years. I fell into a deep depression as a child and I have had few moments in my life where I was not battling its negative effects. I have become weary of living as a shell of a human being. I cannot fathom a time where I would be free from melancholy. I don't want to live like this for years to come. I want relief.

For clarification sake, my suicide was no one's fault. I could not find effective mental health treatment (obviously) and more importantly, the motivation to navigate the Mental Health System was lacking for me. Unfortunately, I was not able to be helped. The positive thing to remember is that I will no longer be suffering and I can truly Rest In Peace.

N.F.

That's Funny...

I totally forgot about After School Specials...



and also Public Service Anouncements (PSAs)...they were hilarious; even more so now.

Better memories...

Facing Reality.

This week I have to tell everyone in my life the truth about myself. I even have to tell those people I despise. My dislike of them sometimes fluctuates. They have done mean things to me and now I have done mean things to them as well. I have to tell the complete truth because my life that is currently based on lies is contributing to my wanting to end my life. It is preventing me from living the life I have fantasized about and if I don't' change will help me commit suicide. Leading a false life made me not value the one I have.

Confessions that will be made...
1. I REALLY have no friends. All those "people" I have stories about are untrue. Some of the "characters" I talk about are based on real people, but I might not have truly talked to that person(s) in years. Some of the "characters" are figments of my imagination. I did this as not to seem creepy. Yet, I think I am more creepy for making up imaginary friends.
2. I have not worked since February of this year because I have depression. I didn't know I was in a major episode of depression until July/August of this year. I lied about trying to find a job, about filing for unemployment, and getting a job. I really thought that I would have committed suicide by now, but something kept stopping me. I suppose I do have a desire to live.
3. I need some serious help, but I don't think hospitalizing me would be the answer. Intensive therapy and support would be great, but I know my family is very dysfunctional and I can't expect that people would pull through for me. I feel particularly guilty for needing such extreme help because we have family that is suffering with developmental disabilities (autism). I feel like another burden.
4. Talking about my suicidal thoughts is unpleasant for me and I know is very uncomfortable for everyone. I am tired of having to act like I wasn't horribly abused as a young child and it is still effecting me today. I am angry. I know people like it when I am sweet and obeying. I want to disobey and be mean and angry. That's what I had to come to grips for this year. I was mad at everyone for ignoring me while I was being abused. Not believing me. Not trying to save me. It was hard for me to come to terms that those who are really suppose to love and care for me didn't love and care about me enough to want to protect me.

All I know now this weekend is going to be very uncomfortable and very unpleasant for many people. These people (family members) are going to be war allies. The "war" being my depression. They are going to be my ally against my depression whether they want to be or not. I don't care if they feel uncomfortable; they are going to help me. I don't want to die and they are going to help me from not dying.

Blah

Live my life just to experience things. I shall not worry about the morality of anything. Much like a scientist. I have now experience being broke and friendless and loneliness. I'll try something different.

Cheese anyone?

I have what some people might call an eclectic taste in music. Today I felt like listening to the following:

Interesting Websites...

1. This website makes it fun and interesting to learn how to read Hangul.
http://www.learnlangs.com/RWP/Korean/index.htm
2. Korean Wiki page http://www.koreanwikiproject.com/wiki/index.php?title=Main_Page
3. http://www.learnkoreanlanguage.com/index.html
4. Korean-English quizzes http://iteslj.org/v/k/
5. Sogang Korean Language Program http://korean.sogang.ac.kr/

I am slowly getting back into the habit of studying for pleasure. I'm glad my depression isn't so...pervasive.

Love Shuffle

Recently, I watched the JDorama, Love Shuffle. It's about four couples who agree to separate and try dating and I stress "dating" other members of this group. Initially the focus is on the novelty of switching partners, but quickly as an audience member, the personalities and the type of relationships each couple has is made more clear. I like that this drama had unexpected twists and turns. It was dark at times as well as very comedic and touching. So I ran through the gamete of emotions. I would say that Love Shuffle will be considered one of my all time favorite dramas.

Return to the Beginning

I have been running away from my past. Now I have stopped and looking squarely at where I have been. It hasn't all be horrible.

I have a past.

It wasn't all bad.

I am smart.

I can figure out to use what was positive about my past coupled with my strength gained through tragedy and tribulations, can lead me to some of my goals.

I can work in Asia or Europe without having to be an ESL teacher. I have the connections to do so.

I can finish getting my BA degree in less than two years if I work hard.

I will RECOVER.

How to be Perceived to be Immoral

I use to feel horrible about the following actions; not anymore...

1. Have lots of sex and like having it and telling people about it and asking people for it without being ashamed. Double the points if you are a woman. (My sense of worth took a nosedive because I thought since I wasn't pure as a child ---I was sexually abused--- I was worthless, now I know better. I won't front though, sometimes I do feel utterly worthless. It's something that I have to work through.)

2. Enjoy getting revenge on people who have wronged you. (I will take an eye for an eye. I don't feel better when I turn the other cheek; I feel like the other person got away with hurting me without punishment.)

3. Not liking my parents. Wanting to have to do very little with them. (They were abusive and let abuse happen to me, so when was I suppose to foster feelings of love for people who obviously didn't care for me?)

Morality can be broken down to categories that seem to restrict, such as Loyalty and Purity.
Morality helps you lead a good life? Not necessarily a happy life, but lead a life admirable to others. I don't think I want to lead a life that other people can read about and admire how I struggled and overcame or not overcome situations. I will lead a pleasurable life, as much as I can and for as long as I can because I have had enough of suffering.

Good or Bad

I am flawed. I don't know if I want to lead a more virtuous life. I don't know if I want to lead a criminal life. I don't know if I want to lead a mostly evil, with a hint of good or mostly good with a hint of bad sort of life.

Being "good" is difficult. It takes effort. There are rewards, but there are definite drawbacks.

What type of life?

An ethical life with a certain level of immorality (by American society standards) is what I want. For example, I want to be sexually adventurous, which is not welcome generally in American society. Yet I want to be ethical; fairness in paramount; equality and so on.

What type of life shall I lead? Let's do one of my favorite things...It's time to make a list! Yay!
1. Equality: All adults having the same rights regardless of their ethnicity, race, religion, sex, gender, gender identity, sexual orientation or lack thereof

For instance, gay marriage should be legal and I also think marriage among more than two consenting ADULTS should be legal as well. I am not here to tell you how your family should be.

2. Providing a good education for all people no matter their background should be fundamental for American society.

3. Everyone deserves to live in a safe environment. Gangs and the subsequent crime they bring should never be tolerated let alone glamorized.

4. It should be illegal to deny anyone medical/dental care that is not cosmetic. In particular psychiatric care is notoriously difficult to receive in the U.S. unless you are a person of financial means.

5. Expressing your political opinion is fine, but it should be illegal to spread falsehoods about a person or a political party

On a side note, why is it so hard to get a third party recognized in the U.S.? The only options available seem to be Democrat, Republican, and then you go Independent? I remember when the Reform party seemed to have gain traction. Anyone remember Ross Perot, but that was almost eighteen years ago.

*I guess I should do a post on ways that I could be perceived as being "immoral"

Liar Game...

I enjoy many things, but my favorite type of television/movies are now coming from Japan and Korea. So here's something that I watched today the JDrama, Liar Game. It stars Shota Matsuda as Shinichi Akiyama and Erika Toda as Nao Kanzaki. I give it bonus points because it's not set in a high school or involve silly teenage romance, which are abundant in JDramas and KDramas. It's a very clever JDrama (Japanese Drama) and has unexpected twists and turns. I appreciate unconventional cinema. I give it 3.5 out of 5 stars because the female lead is typical, but the concept makes up for the lack of realism of her character.

Items Needed for Blog

The following can make my blog posts more interesting
1. Pictures
2. Video
3. Links to relevant or irrelevant info
4. Diversity of topics
5. Easily accessible

Lessons

I think I will make this a continuing feature on this blog: Lessons Learned from Being Mentally Off.

1. Suicidal thoughts aren't stagnant. They have an ebb and flow. Yet when they are very intense, it's overwhelming.
2. It's important to have human relationships. More than three if possible. Regular contact with real people all the time is important.
3. The internet is a good place to begin a friendship, but take it to rl as soon as possible.
4. Bad eating habits don't help your depression. It can make it worse.
5. Exercise can help. Any physical activity can help.
6. Having hobbies and finding new ones when the old ones seem insignificant is important. (Rediscovering old hobbies is great too)...

I am sure there are more lessons, but I want to compile as I go along life freethinking.

Prison and Release

Since the middle of February I have been in seclusion. I realized today that I have been suffereing from severe depression since last July and I am currently coming out of it. I'm going from severe to manageable. Manageable means I will be able to look for and get a job and begin to get my finances over. Manageable means that I have a major shift in perspective. I know it was only a few short days ago that I a suicide action plan, but now my perspective has done a not quite 180 but more of a 90.

I no longer have a strong desire to end my life, but I am still unhappy with my life. I am able to see solutions to my problems and I am no longer distressed about how long it would take me to make real change.

I have been in this state of pain before and it will take me more time to get out of it. There is no way around it.

The way I am feeling now... I wonder if I am heading towards mania? I haven't had a manic episode in awhile that I can determine...God I hope not...

Imagination

The person I am and what I want to be are on two ends of the spectrum. My make-believe self is outgoing, adventurous, skilled, lovable; basically a cool chick. In reality, I am introverted, standoffish, fraidy cat; basically a geek/nerd.

I don't know how to bring closer to what I feel is my true self and my current condition.

Perhaps I need to develop some sort of ethical code or rules to how I shall live my life? I don't know.

Perhaps I should not do things the way I have before, but try to do things in a different manner?
That's the only way to expect different results.

Will I need to "fake it until I make it"? I'll try that, starting today.

bEING mEAN

I feel like being oh-so-mean. Attack mode on. Rationale off. Hurt destroy. destroy booooooooooom!

I'm a Fraud

I lie so much I don't know what is true. Well, that's a lie. What's true is that I don't have friendships or any type of relationship because I constantly lie so no one gets to know me. Then I feel bad that no one knows me and I like to be pitiful. Who wants a pitiful person for a real daughter, cousin, friend, girlfriend? Is that appealing...Nooooo it's not.

I am really going to do what?

I am getting rid of belongings. It's so weird to be knowing when I'll cease to exist. I already postponed once this week. Yesterday I said I was to die, then I bumped it to Sunday. I don't really want to go, but the planning and dream of ending my life is so...enticing. But things in this world keep distracting me. I want to experience my entire bucket list. I want to experience things I never imagined. I want to go out on top not as pitiful me.

If I live, I have to show people what I am. The ugliness about me. The Liar. The Thief. The ugly side of myself. I have had wrong done to me and I have done wrong to others. Suicide is a coward option and I don't want to be a coward. I don't want the negative events and people that have influence my life be the catalyst---the reason---I end my life.

This is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. It's going to be worthwhile if I come out of it alive. Depression is a fucking monster that won't leave me the hell alone.

Coming to Terms

I have now resigned my self to my death. I have now come to the conclusion that the best method for suicide is to jump from a high place. In my local newspaper for the past month, a man jumped from an overpass and another man jumped from a parking garage. This has given me ideas about where I can jump. I want there to be no chance of survival. So jumping onto the concrete isn't enough. I think jumping from a high place to water is better because I can't swim. Even if I survived the fall, I can't survive the water. Drowning would be my backup. I don't think jumping off the local bridge would be a good idea because someone might see me and try to stop me. I have now researched other remote areas to jump from to a body of deep water that would be more appropriate.

I am enjoying my last days here on earth. I have regrets, but don't we all. And I wish I was stronger so I could have accomplish more with my life. But in the scope of life my life was significant. I feel at peace with my decision and I look forward to having no more pain.

Bucket List: The Beginning

To successfully complete most of the items listed on my bucket list, I need to have a stable mood.  To get a stable mood I need medication and cognitive therapy.  A mood stabilizer and an EFFECTIVE anti-depressant would suffice.  And I think seeing a cognitive therapist twice a month until I get stable and then perhaps once a month once I become stable would be ideal.

How am I going to be able to access the type of care that I need?  I have to find a job that offers health insurance. Affordable health insurance. Don't you just love America?  Canada looks so appealing now. Unfortunately the only type of jobs that I am qualify for are as a caregiver.  I know the majority of care giving jobs don't offer affordable health insurance.  I had jobs that wanted you to pay $200-350 per month for health insurance.  The average job only paid about $10 per hour, so after taxes i would bring home about $1100-1200 dollars a month. At these jobs, having an insured vehicle was "encouraged" to have. Mileage reimbursement never covered the cost that gas and car maintenance, so the nonprofit got a good deal, but me as a worker not so much. (I think this added on to my feeling of being taken advantage) And now you see my predicament.  I need to get into another industry that  offers better benefits and wages. I don't know the career path I should take.

One "Chore" Per Day.

I feel like I need to finish many things quickly and in great quantity.  This is what I would call a "false" feeling or a "false" notion.  When I feel like this is usually when I procrastinate the most.  So today, I am giving myself one task that I should complete. Something that is doable and if I do more than this that's great, but I won't expect any more of myself especially in my state of mind.

Today's task: Write a cover letter for a care giving job.

Recovery. A New Approach.

I have lost most of material possessions. Who am I? I have lost things with no meaning. What do I find important? Love? Do I possess it or do i give it? No. Am I human? Barely.

How did I have nearly three years of suicide free thought? I kept so busy I didn't have time to think. What happens to the lazy and the non working? Thinking and change. I worked and I didn't think. I worked and ignored my despair. I had warnings. My last warning was when I was getting a physical in January and my doctor who I never been to before saw that I was treated for bipolar disorder. At that time I thought it was a misdiagnosis, now upon reflection I see that it was correct.

Back to the topic at hand. I need a plan to become and maintain stability. I need meds; particularly mood stabilizers. I need human real life contact. Support groups, religion, hobby/sports can do this. I should make my bucket list a goal to accomplish in the next ten years. I need to have detailed plans. A weekly plan, a monthly plan, a six month plan, a year plan, a five-year and ten year plan.

Side note: my mother upsets me. I feel powerless in her presence I hate that feeling.

Suicidal Thoughts Episode#1

Today after my car was repossessed, I fell back on the old familiar feeling of despair.  I thought about committing suicide and researched ways to accomplish this feat. I thought hanging myself would be the most useful, but after thinking of all the ways that could go wrong, like just paralyzing myself and not offing myself; I realized that my determination to end my life wasn't as strong as I would thought.  I guess since I have been depressed most of my life, I have experience in what these feelings are.  My hangups in dealing with my disorder continues to be not asking for help and perpetual lying about nonsense.

Hmmmm. What stopped me from continuously having suicidal thoughts today? My bucket list did help.  I thought about all the things I haven't accomplished in my life. Just how little I have done with my life and that made me angry.  I lean on my ability to be angry to jolt me out of depression. What emotions do I display? Which ones are easy for me to connect to the surface of my being and which ones are very rarely expressed? Sadness, melancholy, sarcasm, bitterness, meanness are easy to let loose.  Love is difficult for me to express and definitely difficult for me to garner from others.  I suppose none of my emotional or character responses are expressed in the proper manner.

I feel regret.  I regret not being the type of person that I have conjured in my imagination.  I live too much in a fantasy world.  I don't live in reality.  I find it too cruel, too dangerous, too disappointing to live in such a place.

Ways for me to be free and unlock the woman I know that is inside of me.  Tell the truth at all times.  Stop and think; being judgmental closes doors to quality relationships.  Do not be so easily embarrassed or shamed.  Remember that I am a human being.  Don't be afraid of positive wonderful things happening to me; even though I feel like I am scum; I am not more so or less than anyone else.  Every person has a place in your life. And most people are deeper than they let on.  Everyone has a story.  I can influence any person's life for the better or for the worse.

The past three years I have not tried to make people's lives more positive.  I have only focused on how LIFE has done me wrong.  I let how others treated me dictate what type of woman I am now. This "woman" that I don't like is me.  It's hard to live with myself as I am. I think about what have I done to improve my family?
What have I done to improve my community? Shit, what have I done to improve myself?  Not much.  And the years continue to pass me by and I see no change. What a waste of a life.

Perhaps that's why I hate myself so much at times. I think it's from the abuse I suffered as a child, but really it's from the fact that I let those people who abuse me continue to do so.  As a child, I would clam up and was afraid of the world because I didn't understand the atrocities that were happening to me.  I thought I was the only one.  I felt shame all the time.  I felt despair all the time. Periodically it would go away when I read books and used my imagination about happier places and happier times.  As an adult, I lost how to balance imagination/fantasy with reality. Maybe I never knew how to balance the two opposites.

Keeping things in perspective. Having my car repossessed isn't the end of the world.  I have already lost my apartment and already wrecked my credit by not paying my credit cards. The illusion that I was a responsible adult is gone, but this day forward I can be what I only dreamed.

Side note: This writing shit actually has me feeling better. Weird. I guess those psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, authors, poets, artists of all types were on to something.

Body Issues

I am not happy about the unhealthy state of my body.

Stats:
Weight 235.4 lbs
Height 5'9"
Waist 45"
Bust 46"
Hips 50.5"
Ankle 10.5"
Wrist 7"
Thigh 29"

Geesh my thigh's measurement is what my waist is suppose to be. I consider my fat body a result of my overall level of care about my well-being. The upside is I have been losing weight this year; I remember weighing in at 254 in January. But how I am losing weight isn't enough. Due to the lack of funds, I can no longer go to fast food restaurants, nor buy loads of candy. If I started an exercise routine I think that will increase the rate of weight loss for me.

So trying to determine what would be a great benchmark for physical fitness success, I will go by the guide lines of the U.S. Army (APFT-Army Physical Fitness Test).

For my age group 27-31 I should be able to do the following:
Pushups: 17-50
Situps: 45-82
2 Mile Run: 15:48-20:30 minutes

I'll see if I can actually do this.

Sad note: Today my car was repossessed. Happy times.

A Bucket List

Bucket List

I have gained inspiration from one of my favorite bloggers, Amanda from http://www.amandatakesoff.com/list.shtml , about having a bucket list. I liked the way she organized her bucket list into categories and I am going to “borrow” (I know, steal is a better word; but I am not recovered enough to think for myself …I know, excuses, excuses) them.

Money/Finances

1. Debt freedom!

2. Own my own home

3. Retirement

4. Savings

Career

1. Get a B.A.

2. Get a M.A.

3. Become a special education teacher

4. Run a nonprofit

5. Open a group home

6. Open an adult day center for those with special needs

Relationships

1. Be in a loving, stable relationship

2. Improve relationship with parents

3. Develop a relationship with extended family members

4. Be a better sister

5. Have at least 4 FRIENDS

6. Have at least 20 acquaintances

7. Find a mentor

8. Get married

9. Adopt/have/raise children

Health/Fitness

1. Keep Depression/Bipolar Disorder in a manageable condition

2. Run a 5k

3. Run a half-marathon

4. Run a marathon

5. Eat mostly healthy foods

6. Learn how to play two sports decently

7. Learn how to swim

8. Archery

9. Bowling

10. Hiking

Hobbies/Skill Development

1. Become fluent in a foreign spoken language

2. Rediscover the cello

3. Learn how to play the piano

4. Learn how to play a guitar

5. Become a hunting/trapping fiend

6. Fishing

7. Get a pilots license

8. Knitting

9. Drawing/painting

10. Sewing

11. Electronics-have two trendy tech gadgets.

12. Grow and maintain a garden

Religion/Spirituality/Philosophy

1. Explore different religions

2. Explore different philosophies

3. Be able to defend my beliefs

4. Understand others beliefs

Travel

1. Visit all seven continents

2. Live in Alaska

3. Live in Korea

4. Live in Europe

Culture

1. Learn about ancestors

2. Learn about culture

3. Document family history

Other

1. Become more environmentally friendly

2. Have more organic things in my life

3. Live a more simple life

4. Live a BALANCED life.

Here's the reason...

this blog was created by me, Natalie. I will be documenting my struggles to live. I have in the past through various means and people (mental health professionals, "friends", etc.) that writing down reasons to live or reasons not to commit suicide can be beneficial.

Background:
For the past year, I have been fighting against depression. It's an issue that reoccurs in my life since I can remember as a small child. Unfortunately this time, I didn't recognize the problems I had in my life as being major symptoms of a deep and enduring depression. I didn't have a support team in place and I didn't turn to anyone about my issues. So now I have "wrecked" my life. I lost my apartment, lost my job, I am isolated socially, and although I don't have daily thoughts of suicide, I am not out of the woods yet.

Since I have had major depression before, I believe I can recover from these "insurmountable" setbacks and live the life I dream about. How I will do this will be documented in this blog. Perhaps by the summer of 2011 I can re-read about the devastation I felt and how I overcame it, feeling the subsequent pride that accomplishing goals can bring.