Long time no write.

I haven't been blogging because I've been vlogging instead. Sometimes I can barely speak let alone type. I am forcing myself to type. This is my preparation for beginning school again in January. I know I will be completing writing assignments whether I feel up to it or not. Blah Blah Blah.

Let the Mania Cont.

I haven't posted on this blog in a while. Something is better than nothing.

I'm back.

I'll get back into the swing of things. Living an interesting life is hard. Being depressed required no physical effort. Living amongst the LIVING requires endless energy. I feel weird.

Reminiscing. . .

Interesting Quote

What Did I Do?

January is over and initially I thought today I didn't accomplish anything this month. FALSE. I went to see a psychiatric nurse practitioner, I got my meds, I exercised 26 out of 31 days, I didn't eat chocolate everyday (only 6 days and not that much of it BTW), I started to care about my personal appearance more. I am cleaning more around the house. I did some part time work online. I went outside 5 or 6 times this month, which is a lot considering I have a fear of going outside and my default setting is to stay cloister at home. So for someone who was on the verge of committing suicide in October, I am steadily going through recovery. Yay me!

Vlogs?

This morning I felt a sense of despair. I was taking stalk of my life and I became very depressed for about an hour. I know intellectually I have to be "active" in changing my life. I am slowly coming to terms that there are no fairy tales; no one is going to rescue me. I don't know why it took me so long to come to that realization.

I let myself cry. Now I feel better. I am currently going over my game plan on how to improve my life. This gives me "hope".

Bump Up the Meds. . .

Last night after taking 25mg of lamotrigine for seven days, I bumped it up to 50 mg. I feel really good this morning. I did my usually two miles and then I tried doing a Pilates DVD workout. I really hope that I won't develop the dreaded rash. I don't want to discontinue taking lamotrigine.

Lamotrigine Regimen

Last night I took my first dose of lamotrigine since my time from being suicidal. It cost me $165 dollars for 69count of 25mg tab from my local lovely (psych) Walmart. I already feel better again. I mean I have been doing better anyway because I no longer feel suicidal, but the lamotrigine took it to a new level. I am suppose to take one pill around bedtime for seven days, then two pills at bedtime for seven days, then 3 pills at bed time for 14 days then i see my psychiatric nurse practioner again in about a month. Hopefully I will continue to have a good response to this med and stave off this feeling. . .

Getting a Life: Hobbies

A few days ago I went to a big box craft store...Michaels... and bought a sketch book, pencils, and erasers. I had no idea there were so many different types of pencils and erasers and paper. No I didn't ask for help. I wasn't really sure why I went into the place considering I am not very artistic or creative. I fancied that I could learn how to draw basic things. I didn't research what I needed beforehand, which is what I usually do. But that doesn't seem to matter so much I suppose I'll learn through trial and error what medium and tools fit for me.

Here's my first drawing. Keep in mind I can barely draw a straight line and have difficulty drawing circles.

Childish, I know. Hopefully you can tell it's a rhinoceros.

Pacific Northwest/Portlandia

If you're from the Pacific Northwest of the U.S., basically the Seattle/Portland area then you might find the television show Portlandia amusing.

Hillarious

I know I have my lazy moments, but this is too much. . .

Be the Bigger Person

Fuck that shit. Being the bigger person is nice in theory, but sucks in practice. All those "martyrs" die in the end.

I hate my neighbors they spit everywhere which is very annoying and just plain nasty. But even more irksome, they make a huge production out of it. They purposely go outside and make all kind of getting ready to hock a lugie noise and proceed to do so. Several times in a row. At different intervals throughout the day. They are disgusting and I am going to get revenge somehow. Eggs anyone?

That would be petty. Perhaps I should call someone's probation officer? Nah. That's overkill. Sigh what shall I do with my anger? Pray? Meditate? Is this a pop quiz from God checking to see how much I can tolerate. Sigh. Reading over this sounds crazy. But we all know I am certified crazy. I don't have to act on all those impulses though.

Cool. Journaling helps stave off crazy actions.

Uggh. I'm 29 now

Happy F--ing Birthday?

I know I am suppose to be happy to be alive and well, but damn I am going to be 30 next year. Yikes!

American History-NAACP

Friends

I need to learn how to obtain and maintain friendships. Sigh. It's a lot of work. But my self imposed isolation in now turning into self imposed loneliness. I don't think I want to be a hermit any longer.

Best Barbies Ever

Wouldn't these Barbies be more interesting than the regular blonde hair blue eyed princess Barbies? Just sayin'.

You Sho is Ugly. . .

(If you know which movie this quote is from, give yourself a frackin' gold star!
I took a good hard look at myself in the mirror and I feel ugly. Sometimes I feel pretty, oh so pretty :) but today I feel Plain Jane. It might be because I am fat now and my face is now out of proportion. oh well. It's going to take me at least 18 months to lose all this weight so no need to dwell on the not so fast results. Why do I even care about what I look like? Oh wait because there are definite benefits to being attractive and if you don't think so you're delusional.

Mental Health Help in the U.S.

Since I suppose I am cycling into a state of either "functioning" or "mania", I will attempt to describe how an average person gets mental health care in the United States. The roadblocks and the whack out system. It can be infuriating because we have the knowledge and know-how, but have a can't-do or won't-do spirit. How to get care will be covered in a multitude of blog entries and it may take me a month or so to give you a general overview. Please bare with my poor writing. I am still having significant cognitive delays since my suicide attempts subsequent hospitalization and now current recovery. Thank you.

I am having issues with people trying to sabotage me already. People are noticing that I am actively trying to create positive change in my life. I have only been at it for one month and I am noticing people trying to through obstacles in my way. It's annoying. REALLY.

Old Skool Jams

I notice that music can greatly effect my mood, so I will be sharing music that either help me through or make me cry or make me angry or whatever. Mood music.

Senistivity

I am becoming more tenderhearted as I getting older. I just don't feel like being angry anymore. I suppose I can be returning to my true self. As a child I was very sensitive to others feelings and well being. I genuinely would enjoy making other people happy. After I was abused for so many years, I associated sunny, happy personalities with being someone taking advantage of you.

I am upset that the abuse gave me a twisted personality. I mourned for what I could have been. Now I am not "happy" but content with who I am now. I have seen the ugly side of humanity and survived. . . barely. It's time to experience the joyous part.

Isn't that interesting #1

Word Lenses. How dictionaries should really work all the time.


And I also like this upclose look of the human eye from photographer Suren Manvelyan...