Least Valuable Human Being

In my family, the concern for me was whether or not I could be a caregiver to my autistic brother. That is what made me valuable. Now that he is in a group home; concern for me has ceased. I hate that I didn't pick up on where I had fit in the family dynamic earlier. I would have been more selfish, more stereotypically masculine. Caregiving is sacrifice. You don't get anything out of it in return except a lower lifetime wealth accumulation. That is why it is not respected as a profession (it's not where the money is at). I was a fool.

Suicide Letter

I committed suicide due to the overwhelming pain I have experienced for the last 24 years. I fell into a deep depression as a child and I have had few moments in my life where I was not battling its negative effects. I have become weary of living as a shell of a human being. I cannot fathom a time where I would be free from melancholy. I don't want to live like this for years to come. I want relief.

For clarification sake, my suicide was no one's fault. I could not find effective mental health treatment (obviously) and more importantly, the motivation to navigate the Mental Health System was lacking for me. Unfortunately, I was not able to be helped. The positive thing to remember is that I will no longer be suffering and I can truly Rest In Peace.

N.F.

That's Funny...

I totally forgot about After School Specials...



and also Public Service Anouncements (PSAs)...they were hilarious; even more so now.

Better memories...

Facing Reality.

This week I have to tell everyone in my life the truth about myself. I even have to tell those people I despise. My dislike of them sometimes fluctuates. They have done mean things to me and now I have done mean things to them as well. I have to tell the complete truth because my life that is currently based on lies is contributing to my wanting to end my life. It is preventing me from living the life I have fantasized about and if I don't' change will help me commit suicide. Leading a false life made me not value the one I have.

Confessions that will be made...
1. I REALLY have no friends. All those "people" I have stories about are untrue. Some of the "characters" I talk about are based on real people, but I might not have truly talked to that person(s) in years. Some of the "characters" are figments of my imagination. I did this as not to seem creepy. Yet, I think I am more creepy for making up imaginary friends.
2. I have not worked since February of this year because I have depression. I didn't know I was in a major episode of depression until July/August of this year. I lied about trying to find a job, about filing for unemployment, and getting a job. I really thought that I would have committed suicide by now, but something kept stopping me. I suppose I do have a desire to live.
3. I need some serious help, but I don't think hospitalizing me would be the answer. Intensive therapy and support would be great, but I know my family is very dysfunctional and I can't expect that people would pull through for me. I feel particularly guilty for needing such extreme help because we have family that is suffering with developmental disabilities (autism). I feel like another burden.
4. Talking about my suicidal thoughts is unpleasant for me and I know is very uncomfortable for everyone. I am tired of having to act like I wasn't horribly abused as a young child and it is still effecting me today. I am angry. I know people like it when I am sweet and obeying. I want to disobey and be mean and angry. That's what I had to come to grips for this year. I was mad at everyone for ignoring me while I was being abused. Not believing me. Not trying to save me. It was hard for me to come to terms that those who are really suppose to love and care for me didn't love and care about me enough to want to protect me.

All I know now this weekend is going to be very uncomfortable and very unpleasant for many people. These people (family members) are going to be war allies. The "war" being my depression. They are going to be my ally against my depression whether they want to be or not. I don't care if they feel uncomfortable; they are going to help me. I don't want to die and they are going to help me from not dying.

Blah

Live my life just to experience things. I shall not worry about the morality of anything. Much like a scientist. I have now experience being broke and friendless and loneliness. I'll try something different.