To successfully complete most of the items listed on my bucket list, I need to have a stable mood. To get a stable mood I need medication and cognitive therapy. A mood stabilizer and an EFFECTIVE anti-depressant would suffice. And I think seeing a cognitive therapist twice a month until I get stable and then perhaps once a month once I become stable would be ideal.
How am I going to be able to access the type of care that I need? I have to find a job that offers health insurance. Affordable health insurance. Don't you just love America? Canada looks so appealing now. Unfortunately the only type of jobs that I am qualify for are as a caregiver. I know the majority of care giving jobs don't offer affordable health insurance. I had jobs that wanted you to pay $200-350 per month for health insurance. The average job only paid about $10 per hour, so after taxes i would bring home about $1100-1200 dollars a month. At these jobs, having an insured vehicle was "encouraged" to have. Mileage reimbursement never covered the cost that gas and car maintenance, so the nonprofit got a good deal, but me as a worker not so much. (I think this added on to my feeling of being taken advantage) And now you see my predicament. I need to get into another industry that offers better benefits and wages. I don't know the career path I should take.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
One "Chore" Per Day.
I feel like I need to finish many things quickly and in great quantity. This is what I would call a "false" feeling or a "false" notion. When I feel like this is usually when I procrastinate the most. So today, I am giving myself one task that I should complete. Something that is doable and if I do more than this that's great, but I won't expect any more of myself especially in my state of mind.
Today's task: Write a cover letter for a care giving job.
Today's task: Write a cover letter for a care giving job.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Recovery. A New Approach.
I have lost most of material possessions. Who am I? I have lost things with no meaning. What do I find important? Love? Do I possess it or do i give it? No. Am I human? Barely.
How did I have nearly three years of suicide free thought? I kept so busy I didn't have time to think. What happens to the lazy and the non working? Thinking and change. I worked and I didn't think. I worked and ignored my despair. I had warnings. My last warning was when I was getting a physical in January and my doctor who I never been to before saw that I was treated for bipolar disorder. At that time I thought it was a misdiagnosis, now upon reflection I see that it was correct.
Back to the topic at hand. I need a plan to become and maintain stability. I need meds; particularly mood stabilizers. I need human real life contact. Support groups, religion, hobby/sports can do this. I should make my bucket list a goal to accomplish in the next ten years. I need to have detailed plans. A weekly plan, a monthly plan, a six month plan, a year plan, a five-year and ten year plan.
Side note: my mother upsets me. I feel powerless in her presence I hate that feeling.
Suicidal Thoughts Episode#1
Today after my car was repossessed, I fell back on the old familiar feeling of despair. I thought about committing suicide and researched ways to accomplish this feat. I thought hanging myself would be the most useful, but after thinking of all the ways that could go wrong, like just paralyzing myself and not offing myself; I realized that my determination to end my life wasn't as strong as I would thought. I guess since I have been depressed most of my life, I have experience in what these feelings are. My hangups in dealing with my disorder continues to be not asking for help and perpetual lying about nonsense.
Hmmmm. What stopped me from continuously having suicidal thoughts today? My bucket list did help. I thought about all the things I haven't accomplished in my life. Just how little I have done with my life and that made me angry. I lean on my ability to be angry to jolt me out of depression. What emotions do I display? Which ones are easy for me to connect to the surface of my being and which ones are very rarely expressed? Sadness, melancholy, sarcasm, bitterness, meanness are easy to let loose. Love is difficult for me to express and definitely difficult for me to garner from others. I suppose none of my emotional or character responses are expressed in the proper manner.
I feel regret. I regret not being the type of person that I have conjured in my imagination. I live too much in a fantasy world. I don't live in reality. I find it too cruel, too dangerous, too disappointing to live in such a place.
Ways for me to be free and unlock the woman I know that is inside of me. Tell the truth at all times. Stop and think; being judgmental closes doors to quality relationships. Do not be so easily embarrassed or shamed. Remember that I am a human being. Don't be afraid of positive wonderful things happening to me; even though I feel like I am scum; I am not more so or less than anyone else. Every person has a place in your life. And most people are deeper than they let on. Everyone has a story. I can influence any person's life for the better or for the worse.
The past three years I have not tried to make people's lives more positive. I have only focused on how LIFE has done me wrong. I let how others treated me dictate what type of woman I am now. This "woman" that I don't like is me. It's hard to live with myself as I am. I think about what have I done to improve my family?
What have I done to improve my community? Shit, what have I done to improve myself? Not much. And the years continue to pass me by and I see no change. What a waste of a life.
Perhaps that's why I hate myself so much at times. I think it's from the abuse I suffered as a child, but really it's from the fact that I let those people who abuse me continue to do so. As a child, I would clam up and was afraid of the world because I didn't understand the atrocities that were happening to me. I thought I was the only one. I felt shame all the time. I felt despair all the time. Periodically it would go away when I read books and used my imagination about happier places and happier times. As an adult, I lost how to balance imagination/fantasy with reality. Maybe I never knew how to balance the two opposites.
Keeping things in perspective. Having my car repossessed isn't the end of the world. I have already lost my apartment and already wrecked my credit by not paying my credit cards. The illusion that I was a responsible adult is gone, but this day forward I can be what I only dreamed.
Side note: This writing shit actually has me feeling better. Weird. I guess those psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, authors, poets, artists of all types were on to something.
Hmmmm. What stopped me from continuously having suicidal thoughts today? My bucket list did help. I thought about all the things I haven't accomplished in my life. Just how little I have done with my life and that made me angry. I lean on my ability to be angry to jolt me out of depression. What emotions do I display? Which ones are easy for me to connect to the surface of my being and which ones are very rarely expressed? Sadness, melancholy, sarcasm, bitterness, meanness are easy to let loose. Love is difficult for me to express and definitely difficult for me to garner from others. I suppose none of my emotional or character responses are expressed in the proper manner.
I feel regret. I regret not being the type of person that I have conjured in my imagination. I live too much in a fantasy world. I don't live in reality. I find it too cruel, too dangerous, too disappointing to live in such a place.
Ways for me to be free and unlock the woman I know that is inside of me. Tell the truth at all times. Stop and think; being judgmental closes doors to quality relationships. Do not be so easily embarrassed or shamed. Remember that I am a human being. Don't be afraid of positive wonderful things happening to me; even though I feel like I am scum; I am not more so or less than anyone else. Every person has a place in your life. And most people are deeper than they let on. Everyone has a story. I can influence any person's life for the better or for the worse.
The past three years I have not tried to make people's lives more positive. I have only focused on how LIFE has done me wrong. I let how others treated me dictate what type of woman I am now. This "woman" that I don't like is me. It's hard to live with myself as I am. I think about what have I done to improve my family?
What have I done to improve my community? Shit, what have I done to improve myself? Not much. And the years continue to pass me by and I see no change. What a waste of a life.
Perhaps that's why I hate myself so much at times. I think it's from the abuse I suffered as a child, but really it's from the fact that I let those people who abuse me continue to do so. As a child, I would clam up and was afraid of the world because I didn't understand the atrocities that were happening to me. I thought I was the only one. I felt shame all the time. I felt despair all the time. Periodically it would go away when I read books and used my imagination about happier places and happier times. As an adult, I lost how to balance imagination/fantasy with reality. Maybe I never knew how to balance the two opposites.
Keeping things in perspective. Having my car repossessed isn't the end of the world. I have already lost my apartment and already wrecked my credit by not paying my credit cards. The illusion that I was a responsible adult is gone, but this day forward I can be what I only dreamed.
Side note: This writing shit actually has me feeling better. Weird. I guess those psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, authors, poets, artists of all types were on to something.
Body Issues
I am not happy about the unhealthy state of my body.
Stats:
Weight 235.4 lbs
Height 5'9"
Waist 45"
Bust 46"
Hips 50.5"
Ankle 10.5"
Wrist 7"
Thigh 29"
Geesh my thigh's measurement is what my waist is suppose to be. I consider my fat body a result of my overall level of care about my well-being. The upside is I have been losing weight this year; I remember weighing in at 254 in January. But how I am losing weight isn't enough. Due to the lack of funds, I can no longer go to fast food restaurants, nor buy loads of candy. If I started an exercise routine I think that will increase the rate of weight loss for me.
So trying to determine what would be a great benchmark for physical fitness success, I will go by the guide lines of the U.S. Army (APFT-Army Physical Fitness Test).
For my age group 27-31 I should be able to do the following:
Pushups: 17-50
Situps: 45-82
2 Mile Run: 15:48-20:30 minutes
I'll see if I can actually do this.
Sad note: Today my car was repossessed. Happy times.
Stats:
Weight 235.4 lbs
Height 5'9"
Waist 45"
Bust 46"
Hips 50.5"
Ankle 10.5"
Wrist 7"
Thigh 29"
Geesh my thigh's measurement is what my waist is suppose to be. I consider my fat body a result of my overall level of care about my well-being. The upside is I have been losing weight this year; I remember weighing in at 254 in January. But how I am losing weight isn't enough. Due to the lack of funds, I can no longer go to fast food restaurants, nor buy loads of candy. If I started an exercise routine I think that will increase the rate of weight loss for me.
So trying to determine what would be a great benchmark for physical fitness success, I will go by the guide lines of the U.S. Army (APFT-Army Physical Fitness Test).
For my age group 27-31 I should be able to do the following:
Pushups: 17-50
Situps: 45-82
2 Mile Run: 15:48-20:30 minutes
I'll see if I can actually do this.
Sad note: Today my car was repossessed. Happy times.
Friday, July 23, 2010
A Bucket List
Bucket List
I have gained inspiration from one of my favorite bloggers, Amanda from http://www.amandatakesoff.com/list.shtml , about having a bucket list. I liked the way she organized her bucket list into categories and I am going to “borrow” (I know, steal is a better word; but I am not recovered enough to think for myself …I know, excuses, excuses) them.
Money/Finances
1. Debt freedom!
2. Own my own home
3. Retirement
4. Savings
Career
1. Get a B.A.
2. Get a M.A.
3. Become a special education teacher
4. Run a nonprofit
5. Open a group home
6. Open an adult day center for those with special needs
Relationships
1. Be in a loving, stable relationship
2. Improve relationship with parents
3. Develop a relationship with extended family members
4. Be a better sister
5. Have at least 4 FRIENDS
6. Have at least 20 acquaintances
7. Find a mentor
8. Get married
9. Adopt/have/raise children
Health/Fitness
1. Keep Depression/Bipolar Disorder in a manageable condition
2. Run a 5k
3. Run a half-marathon
4. Run a marathon
5. Eat mostly healthy foods
6. Learn how to play two sports decently
7. Learn how to swim
8. Archery
9. Bowling
10. Hiking
Hobbies/Skill Development
1. Become fluent in a foreign spoken language
2. Rediscover the cello
3. Learn how to play the piano
4. Learn how to play a guitar
5. Become a hunting/trapping fiend
6. Fishing
7. Get a pilots license
8. Knitting
9. Drawing/painting
10. Sewing
11. Electronics-have two trendy tech gadgets.
12. Grow and maintain a garden
Religion/Spirituality/Philosophy
1. Explore different religions
2. Explore different philosophies
3. Be able to defend my beliefs
4. Understand others beliefs
Travel
1. Visit all seven continents
2. Live in Alaska
3. Live in Korea
4. Live in Europe
Culture
1. Learn about ancestors
2. Learn about culture
3. Document family history
Other
1. Become more environmentally friendly
2. Have more organic things in my life
3. Live a more simple life
4. Live a BALANCED life.
Here's the reason...
this blog was created by me, Natalie. I will be documenting my struggles to live. I have in the past through various means and people (mental health professionals, "friends", etc.) that writing down reasons to live or reasons not to commit suicide can be beneficial.
Background:
For the past year, I have been fighting against depression. It's an issue that reoccurs in my life since I can remember as a small child. Unfortunately this time, I didn't recognize the problems I had in my life as being major symptoms of a deep and enduring depression. I didn't have a support team in place and I didn't turn to anyone about my issues. So now I have "wrecked" my life. I lost my apartment, lost my job, I am isolated socially, and although I don't have daily thoughts of suicide, I am not out of the woods yet.
Since I have had major depression before, I believe I can recover from these "insurmountable" setbacks and live the life I dream about. How I will do this will be documented in this blog. Perhaps by the summer of 2011 I can re-read about the devastation I felt and how I overcame it, feeling the subsequent pride that accomplishing goals can bring.
Background:
For the past year, I have been fighting against depression. It's an issue that reoccurs in my life since I can remember as a small child. Unfortunately this time, I didn't recognize the problems I had in my life as being major symptoms of a deep and enduring depression. I didn't have a support team in place and I didn't turn to anyone about my issues. So now I have "wrecked" my life. I lost my apartment, lost my job, I am isolated socially, and although I don't have daily thoughts of suicide, I am not out of the woods yet.
Since I have had major depression before, I believe I can recover from these "insurmountable" setbacks and live the life I dream about. How I will do this will be documented in this blog. Perhaps by the summer of 2011 I can re-read about the devastation I felt and how I overcame it, feeling the subsequent pride that accomplishing goals can bring.
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