Friday, December 31, 2010
Almost a New Year!
I can't believe I am still alive. This year will be better than the last (perhaps). At least I am actively aware that I am mentally ill and know now how to respond to it. I don't want to return to where I am this year. Things can get markedly better (I hope timidly). Here's hoping this year will be better than the last.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
No Offense Taken
I am at the point in my life that I no longer take offense to comments that are deemed politically incorrect. People either respect those who are different and therefore try not to be offensive. Or they don't see anyone who is not like themselves as quite human and therefore don't treat them as such. I can't make you see me as a human being. I am not going to try. I will live my life and you will put me into whatever box you see fit. I am no longer worried about men being sexist, one racial group or another finding my racial group to be "savage", other people hating my country has done, how some people think I'm too old for certain things (like getting married) or too young for other things (valuing my opinion and expertise concerning work). Blah blah. Live and let live.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Ning?
Build a practical bipolar community.
In the past, I have actively participated in different Ning communities ranging from hair, makeup, social justice to dating. I am thinking of starting a Ning community for people with mental illness. I am not sure if I want to keep it general or specific (only bipolar disorder). I don't have particular interest in other disorders besides my own. I know that is not politically correct. And I might feel this way right now because I am depressed. On the other hand, I know all mental illnesses share commonalities (Aren't I capricious with my viewpoints). I come across on the internet many fascinating people who have "issues" and are dealing with them. It would be nice to have one place where people will share there coping strategies. Ning would allow people to use different mediums like video sharing/vlogging e.g. YouTube. Straight up blogging, podcasts, etc.
I'll think about it. This would be a distraction that would keep me connected to the world, so it might be a worthwhile endeavor.
In the past, I have actively participated in different Ning communities ranging from hair, makeup, social justice to dating. I am thinking of starting a Ning community for people with mental illness. I am not sure if I want to keep it general or specific (only bipolar disorder). I don't have particular interest in other disorders besides my own. I know that is not politically correct. And I might feel this way right now because I am depressed. On the other hand, I know all mental illnesses share commonalities (Aren't I capricious with my viewpoints). I come across on the internet many fascinating people who have "issues" and are dealing with them. It would be nice to have one place where people will share there coping strategies. Ning would allow people to use different mediums like video sharing/vlogging e.g. YouTube. Straight up blogging, podcasts, etc.
I'll think about it. This would be a distraction that would keep me connected to the world, so it might be a worthwhile endeavor.
Coming to Terms. . .
Sorry if I am repeating myself from previous posts, frankly I can do whatever I want...
I like to "distract" myself from my reality and focus on the macro goals. I can't do that until I get stable. I need to stop my the crazy clinic and make an appointment. I dislike using the telephone so much.
I have bipolar disorder.
Yeah I get it after what. . . eight years or so being told that I was. Who in their right mind when they are starting off in adulthood wants to be told that they have a serious, persistent, life changing mental disorder that they will need to control with medications for the rest of their life? Well I understood what my doctor at the time was telling me and yes I had gone through a cycle of mania (for the first time and depression), but I could not believe I would have to battle this my whole life. Now I know my body better. I am not a rapid cycler. I stay in a state for quite a while; depression lasting longer than mania. But I get both. And they are distinct. Now I know I for certain that I always have a underlying malaise. The range for my depression can go from feeling slightly fatigue to wanting to jump off the overpass psyche ward type of shit. What was my point of this post?mmm... yes. Coming to terms. I looked in the mirror and I didn't like what I saw. I will be making small changes that will add up to big changes. Things take time.
I like to "distract" myself from my reality and focus on the macro goals. I can't do that until I get stable. I need to stop my the crazy clinic and make an appointment. I dislike using the telephone so much.
I have bipolar disorder.
Yeah I get it after what. . . eight years or so being told that I was. Who in their right mind when they are starting off in adulthood wants to be told that they have a serious, persistent, life changing mental disorder that they will need to control with medications for the rest of their life? Well I understood what my doctor at the time was telling me and yes I had gone through a cycle of mania (for the first time and depression), but I could not believe I would have to battle this my whole life. Now I know my body better. I am not a rapid cycler. I stay in a state for quite a while; depression lasting longer than mania. But I get both. And they are distinct. Now I know I for certain that I always have a underlying malaise. The range for my depression can go from feeling slightly fatigue to wanting to jump off the overpass psyche ward type of shit. What was my point of this post?mmm... yes. Coming to terms. I looked in the mirror and I didn't like what I saw. I will be making small changes that will add up to big changes. Things take time.
KDrama Love-Secret Garden
If you're not into Korean dramas (dramas meaning like primetime television in the states. KDramas can be from any genre: comedy, drama, futuristic, etc.) Then my current obsession is Secret Garden. I love this drama for now (side eye). I have to wait to give my full opinion because I have been disappointed in the ending of kdramas in the past soooooooooooo..... here's a link http://www.dramafever.com/drama/3875/ I tried to give you the legal sites first and then the shady ones if they aren't available :). BTW, Hyun Bin and Ha Ji-Won are acting the asses off.
A Year in the Making.. . .
As you can tell from most of my journal entries, I am a fan of stream of consciousnesses. Frankly it takes much effort on my part to write anything let alone make it coherent. So please forgive my writing for now. It will be one of the signs that I am at a functioning level when my writing improves.
I have this running to-do list in which I haven't done anything on it. So tomorrow THURSDAY, I will try to accomplish my list no matter what.
I haven't felt like this in months. I know I am not manic. I am currently in a state where I can "power through" I think this is what it feels like to those people who don't have a mental illness but are experiencing episodic depression. Or it might be that my brain, which has been overly depressed since February this year, is tired of debilitating depression and is cycling into a mixed state. (Are you having enough of the mental psycho terminology? I can never get enough).
Damn it. I'm mad at myself. Just when I was making progress, I don't take a step backwards; I jump of the bridge (well, almost).
Frustration. Grrrrrrrrrr.
To Do List for Thursday (Perhaps sharing with the universe will help me be accountable)
1. Make a doctor's appt.
2. See if I am approved for health care insurance and for how long?
3. Go Shopping at Evil Ass Walmart
4. Post Office
5. Pay Some Bills
6. Walgreens---For what? I don't remember, it'll come to me or I will wander around the store until I remember.
That's all I will attempt for tomorrow
I have this running to-do list in which I haven't done anything on it. So tomorrow THURSDAY, I will try to accomplish my list no matter what.
I haven't felt like this in months. I know I am not manic. I am currently in a state where I can "power through" I think this is what it feels like to those people who don't have a mental illness but are experiencing episodic depression. Or it might be that my brain, which has been overly depressed since February this year, is tired of debilitating depression and is cycling into a mixed state. (Are you having enough of the mental psycho terminology? I can never get enough).
Damn it. I'm mad at myself. Just when I was making progress, I don't take a step backwards; I jump of the bridge (well, almost).
Frustration. Grrrrrrrrrr.
To Do List for Thursday (Perhaps sharing with the universe will help me be accountable)
1. Make a doctor's appt.
2. See if I am approved for health care insurance and for how long?
3. Go Shopping at Evil Ass Walmart
4. Post Office
5. Pay Some Bills
6. Walgreens---For what? I don't remember, it'll come to me or I will wander around the store until I remember.
That's all I will attempt for tomorrow
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Merry Christmas?
This Christmas is like most in the past. No real celebrations. No enthusiasm about life. I won't ever have another Christmas like this. My life is at a 3 right now. Next Christmas it will be at least an 8.
No more excuses.
Be Loving. Be Lovable. Be Loved.
No more excuses.
Be Loving. Be Lovable. Be Loved.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Manic Monday...erm...Wednesday.
I am writing a short glib about the beginning of my manic stage. I ended my period yesterday and today I feel like I can do anything. I feel beautiful, I can be a doctor, a scientist, learn 10 languages, etc. Completely irrational shit. I am enjoying cleaning and organizing things. I am planning what I should do with my life. Oh shit. I would like to have sex and chocolate or cholocate incorporated with sex---whatevs.........
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