Recover Self-Esteem

Since I turned fucking 30. EEEwww I still can't believe I'm that OLD! I reflected on my life and I haven't accomplished anything significant. I am making a concerted effort to meeting my goals. I hate feeling like a loser.

I looked back on the various journals and blogs I had and it's just a repeating pattern of self-loathing, self-pity, self-hatred. I'm sick of being like that. I know I have bipolar disorder. With that comes limitations, but it doesn't mean I can do anything. Perhaps I can't do it as quickly as my peers.

Yes that something I need to do. Stop comparing myself to others. Everyone has their own life and they will do with it what they will in their own time. It only makes me feel sadder if I constantly compare myself to others. A little comparison is OK. To check to see if I am developing emotionally, mentally, developmentally as others; basically maturing. But it's not OK to feel worthless, to make a value judgement, to feel insignificant.

No more hurting myself. I'll be better to myself now.

A Low Grade Depression

I am definitely fighting of the case of the blues. It's not so overwhelming that I can't function. But it is difficult to function effectively. Everything takes so much effort; getting dressed, eating, walking, bathing. I have to expend so much mental energy. I have fleeting thoughts about how nice it would be to sleep forever and never wake up. Not really suicidal thoughts where I want to take action. These thoughts are more about finding some sort of relief.

I feel tired all the time, but going to sleep is difficult. I feel afraid to sleep. I want to sleep the day away and I have to fight that feeling. I physically move slower. I process people's words slower. I am just slower overall. Nothing would "cure" this except some meds.

That reminds me a long time ago I was prescribed Adderall I didn't understand that it was a stimulant. I got a lot of things done, but I kept needing it to function. Even if I skipped a day; I would be so exhausted that I had to take a pill to function "normally".

I took Adderall for 6 months, I don't think I would ever take that medication again. My doctor really used me as a guinea pig.