Cheese anyone?

I have what some people might call an eclectic taste in music. Today I felt like listening to the following:

Interesting Websites...

1. This website makes it fun and interesting to learn how to read Hangul.
http://www.learnlangs.com/RWP/Korean/index.htm
2. Korean Wiki page http://www.koreanwikiproject.com/wiki/index.php?title=Main_Page
3. http://www.learnkoreanlanguage.com/index.html
4. Korean-English quizzes http://iteslj.org/v/k/
5. Sogang Korean Language Program http://korean.sogang.ac.kr/

I am slowly getting back into the habit of studying for pleasure. I'm glad my depression isn't so...pervasive.

Love Shuffle

Recently, I watched the JDorama, Love Shuffle. It's about four couples who agree to separate and try dating and I stress "dating" other members of this group. Initially the focus is on the novelty of switching partners, but quickly as an audience member, the personalities and the type of relationships each couple has is made more clear. I like that this drama had unexpected twists and turns. It was dark at times as well as very comedic and touching. So I ran through the gamete of emotions. I would say that Love Shuffle will be considered one of my all time favorite dramas.

Return to the Beginning

I have been running away from my past. Now I have stopped and looking squarely at where I have been. It hasn't all be horrible.

I have a past.

It wasn't all bad.

I am smart.

I can figure out to use what was positive about my past coupled with my strength gained through tragedy and tribulations, can lead me to some of my goals.

I can work in Asia or Europe without having to be an ESL teacher. I have the connections to do so.

I can finish getting my BA degree in less than two years if I work hard.

I will RECOVER.

How to be Perceived to be Immoral

I use to feel horrible about the following actions; not anymore...

1. Have lots of sex and like having it and telling people about it and asking people for it without being ashamed. Double the points if you are a woman. (My sense of worth took a nosedive because I thought since I wasn't pure as a child ---I was sexually abused--- I was worthless, now I know better. I won't front though, sometimes I do feel utterly worthless. It's something that I have to work through.)

2. Enjoy getting revenge on people who have wronged you. (I will take an eye for an eye. I don't feel better when I turn the other cheek; I feel like the other person got away with hurting me without punishment.)

3. Not liking my parents. Wanting to have to do very little with them. (They were abusive and let abuse happen to me, so when was I suppose to foster feelings of love for people who obviously didn't care for me?)

Morality can be broken down to categories that seem to restrict, such as Loyalty and Purity.
Morality helps you lead a good life? Not necessarily a happy life, but lead a life admirable to others. I don't think I want to lead a life that other people can read about and admire how I struggled and overcame or not overcome situations. I will lead a pleasurable life, as much as I can and for as long as I can because I have had enough of suffering.

Good or Bad

I am flawed. I don't know if I want to lead a more virtuous life. I don't know if I want to lead a criminal life. I don't know if I want to lead a mostly evil, with a hint of good or mostly good with a hint of bad sort of life.

Being "good" is difficult. It takes effort. There are rewards, but there are definite drawbacks.

What type of life?

An ethical life with a certain level of immorality (by American society standards) is what I want. For example, I want to be sexually adventurous, which is not welcome generally in American society. Yet I want to be ethical; fairness in paramount; equality and so on.

What type of life shall I lead? Let's do one of my favorite things...It's time to make a list! Yay!
1. Equality: All adults having the same rights regardless of their ethnicity, race, religion, sex, gender, gender identity, sexual orientation or lack thereof

For instance, gay marriage should be legal and I also think marriage among more than two consenting ADULTS should be legal as well. I am not here to tell you how your family should be.

2. Providing a good education for all people no matter their background should be fundamental for American society.

3. Everyone deserves to live in a safe environment. Gangs and the subsequent crime they bring should never be tolerated let alone glamorized.

4. It should be illegal to deny anyone medical/dental care that is not cosmetic. In particular psychiatric care is notoriously difficult to receive in the U.S. unless you are a person of financial means.

5. Expressing your political opinion is fine, but it should be illegal to spread falsehoods about a person or a political party

On a side note, why is it so hard to get a third party recognized in the U.S.? The only options available seem to be Democrat, Republican, and then you go Independent? I remember when the Reform party seemed to have gain traction. Anyone remember Ross Perot, but that was almost eighteen years ago.

*I guess I should do a post on ways that I could be perceived as being "immoral"

Liar Game...

I enjoy many things, but my favorite type of television/movies are now coming from Japan and Korea. So here's something that I watched today the JDrama, Liar Game. It stars Shota Matsuda as Shinichi Akiyama and Erika Toda as Nao Kanzaki. I give it bonus points because it's not set in a high school or involve silly teenage romance, which are abundant in JDramas and KDramas. It's a very clever JDrama (Japanese Drama) and has unexpected twists and turns. I appreciate unconventional cinema. I give it 3.5 out of 5 stars because the female lead is typical, but the concept makes up for the lack of realism of her character.

Items Needed for Blog

The following can make my blog posts more interesting
1. Pictures
2. Video
3. Links to relevant or irrelevant info
4. Diversity of topics
5. Easily accessible

Lessons

I think I will make this a continuing feature on this blog: Lessons Learned from Being Mentally Off.

1. Suicidal thoughts aren't stagnant. They have an ebb and flow. Yet when they are very intense, it's overwhelming.
2. It's important to have human relationships. More than three if possible. Regular contact with real people all the time is important.
3. The internet is a good place to begin a friendship, but take it to rl as soon as possible.
4. Bad eating habits don't help your depression. It can make it worse.
5. Exercise can help. Any physical activity can help.
6. Having hobbies and finding new ones when the old ones seem insignificant is important. (Rediscovering old hobbies is great too)...

I am sure there are more lessons, but I want to compile as I go along life freethinking.

Prison and Release

Since the middle of February I have been in seclusion. I realized today that I have been suffereing from severe depression since last July and I am currently coming out of it. I'm going from severe to manageable. Manageable means I will be able to look for and get a job and begin to get my finances over. Manageable means that I have a major shift in perspective. I know it was only a few short days ago that I a suicide action plan, but now my perspective has done a not quite 180 but more of a 90.

I no longer have a strong desire to end my life, but I am still unhappy with my life. I am able to see solutions to my problems and I am no longer distressed about how long it would take me to make real change.

I have been in this state of pain before and it will take me more time to get out of it. There is no way around it.

The way I am feeling now... I wonder if I am heading towards mania? I haven't had a manic episode in awhile that I can determine...God I hope not...

Imagination

The person I am and what I want to be are on two ends of the spectrum. My make-believe self is outgoing, adventurous, skilled, lovable; basically a cool chick. In reality, I am introverted, standoffish, fraidy cat; basically a geek/nerd.

I don't know how to bring closer to what I feel is my true self and my current condition.

Perhaps I need to develop some sort of ethical code or rules to how I shall live my life? I don't know.

Perhaps I should not do things the way I have before, but try to do things in a different manner?
That's the only way to expect different results.

Will I need to "fake it until I make it"? I'll try that, starting today.

bEING mEAN

I feel like being oh-so-mean. Attack mode on. Rationale off. Hurt destroy. destroy booooooooooom!

I'm a Fraud

I lie so much I don't know what is true. Well, that's a lie. What's true is that I don't have friendships or any type of relationship because I constantly lie so no one gets to know me. Then I feel bad that no one knows me and I like to be pitiful. Who wants a pitiful person for a real daughter, cousin, friend, girlfriend? Is that appealing...Nooooo it's not.

I am really going to do what?

I am getting rid of belongings. It's so weird to be knowing when I'll cease to exist. I already postponed once this week. Yesterday I said I was to die, then I bumped it to Sunday. I don't really want to go, but the planning and dream of ending my life is so...enticing. But things in this world keep distracting me. I want to experience my entire bucket list. I want to experience things I never imagined. I want to go out on top not as pitiful me.

If I live, I have to show people what I am. The ugliness about me. The Liar. The Thief. The ugly side of myself. I have had wrong done to me and I have done wrong to others. Suicide is a coward option and I don't want to be a coward. I don't want the negative events and people that have influence my life be the catalyst---the reason---I end my life.

This is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. It's going to be worthwhile if I come out of it alive. Depression is a fucking monster that won't leave me the hell alone.