Neediness Invites Loneliness.

how true. Life is full of ironies. If you are too needy, most people find that to be unattractive and will keep distant. If you are aloof, then people try to get closer to you. They want to "discover" you. They want to know your secrets and feel like they are the only ones who "get" you. Lesson learned: People suck.

Abandonment

I dislike getting close to people for I fear that they will leave me when they know the real me.

Going to the Nuthouse and Subsequent Suicide Attempts...

I haven't written on this blog for a quite awhile. I had a complete and scary breakdown. I am currently truly recovering. I've learned a lot about myself, my family and the willingness of complete strangers to help and most importantly the type of care one can expect in the good old U.S.A. if you are uninsured (shitty care, spotty care, incomplete care). I am definitely not proud to be an American.

My breakdown, my break from reality, my break-a-part mentality began on Wednesday, October 13. I felt like death was upon me. My body was screaming for me to end my existence. I was terrified. Unfortunately my mother must have picked up on this and started nagging me nonstop. She tends to get in your face if you don't obey and do as she commands. I couldn't take HER anymore I told her to leave me alone. She wouldn't stop talking. I went to my room and tried to calm myself down, but she kept asking me questions about what am I going to do with my life? I was thinking to myself, "What fucking life? I am trying not to end it!" I didn't say this out loud. She kept harping on me and I snapped. I ran out of my room. I had my MP3 player ear phones in my ear still and the MP3 player in my hand. I lost it I ran into the sliding glass door I broke my MP3 player. I threw that across the room. I was screaming and cursing nonsense. I got up in my mom's face and screamed at her for the first time in my life. I saw that I scarred her and that made me happy. I know this is going to sound horrible, but I was proud of myself to let her have it just like she how she treated me all my life. Then I took the telephone and threw that across the room too. Oh I threw everything that was on the kitchen counter on the floor. My mom ran out of the house. She has never seen me as angry.

I had peace for about an hour; she was gone. She returned with my father. I explained the situation to him. And my mom started her nagging ways again. She just can't leave anything alone except for talking about the abuse that has happened to me. She gets quiet then. My brain was hurting and I felt like my body didn't belong to me. My mom wanted me to leave the house. I didn't see the need to leave. I needed help. She claimed she was scarred. She's a fucking bitch. Really. You're scarred. Bitch. (sorry everyone, but writing this out is making me live that day over again). I made my wishy washy dad leave. I hated that he smelt like alcohol and was trying to get me to give him a phony hug and he kept saying he "loved me" but hasn't seen me in two years. blah blah. My mom left again and told me I needed to leave. I am not quite sure if I left when she came back or did I leave when she was in another room in the house. Anyway I left the house and I had this really placid thought that I should jump off the overpass. It took me an hour to walk to the overpass and for about 5 hours I kept looking down unto the interstate and then I would walk away from it and come back to it and stand on the concrete blockade and lean forward. I knew in less than 20 seconds my life would end. It was a soothing thought. Cars would pass and no one would looked my way. Then I thought about how pathetic I felt and how I didn't want everyone to know how pathetic my life was. I didn't realize how much I value other people's opinion of me. I went back "home" early in the morning. (I can't write anymore about this it's irritating).

OMG I'm Crazy.

It's been certified. I am bonafied crazy. I am beginning my long ass recovery. More later.