This blog shall document my struggle with a mental illness. I hope anyone that comes across it, will find inspiration to continue to live and live well. Be forewarned, if negative moods and actions affect how you feel or affect your well-being then don't read my blog. Otherwise all encouraging and carefully crafted criticisms are appreciated.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Friends
I need to learn how to obtain and maintain friendships. Sigh. It's a lot of work. But my self imposed isolation in now turning into self imposed loneliness. I don't think I want to be a hermit any longer.
Yup, ... finding/making friends can be a lot of work - and more so, takes a lot of time too ... not so convenient if/when one is or may be in a hurry in that regard. :-/
I've not had difficulty with the maintaining of friendships - tend to have small number of good/close friends - with a very low turnover rate ... but lately, having lost one of those friends, I definitely find a big gap to be filled - and among the teensy number of good/close friends I have, I really want a lot more "contact"/engagement/interactivity - for me that's mostly about communication & trust & such ... not super easy to well establish and build up, but too, quite doable. Unfortunately among my teensy number of remaining good/close friends, I'm mostly finding that that's not there presently (e.g. they're rather/quite unavailable/unresponsive, or the interest there just isn't sufficiently mutual or otherwise mutually beneficial, making for a rather lopsided drain they're just not *that* interested in) ... so, ... anyway, definitely got a serious gap to (back)fill at present. But I digress, enough about me.
So, finding/making friends - and tips/advice. (Would be great too, if everyone was highly effective at well following their own good advice.) In some ways, I find much of the stuff that's practical and works for finding someone for a relationship, is also pretty useful/similar for finding/building friendship ... sure, some significant differences (different criteria/objectives) ... but still quite a bit of overlap. Let's see, various useful bits: o put yourself out there - be accessible, social/sociable, etc., as feasible o be interesting to other(s) o don't be a drag/drain/downer/needy/etc. - though it might work a bit, it mostly scares people away, turns them off, and/or burns them out (can also set up nasty codependencies and other negative goop) o If/when you're dreading going out, meeting folks, etc. and really very much *not* looking forward to it, have negative/bad attitude (e.g. feel sure you're going to fail at it), then back the hell away from it and give yourself a break - don't come back to it until you can feel at least reasonably sufficiently positive about it (if you're going into it too negative, it'll feel like sh*t, and you'll mostly just scare folks away anyway, and that'll only tend to make one feel that much more negative about it). o do stuff you enjoy - with/around other people. They're more likely to find you interesting/attractive if/when you're doing stuff you enjoy. And besides, you get to then enjoy yourself along the way - even if you don't make friends or make friends right away.
Those are my "tips"/"rules" ... but also, to rules, there are exceptions. E.g. sometimes being around folks dealing with some common issue(s)/concern(s) can work rather to quite well - even if one might feel like sh*t or uncomfortable there - there may be a fair number of other folks feeling similarly - might form some common bond there. Just don't get into some negative codependency thing.
Probably *lots* of other useful tips/ideas, and what works/doesn't work tends to be quite individual person-by-person, ... so, ... what I suggest might mostly work rather to quite well for me, what works and works well for you or anyone else may be rather to quite different.
Yup, ... finding/making friends can be a lot of work - and more so, takes a lot of time too ... not so convenient if/when one is or may be in a hurry in that regard. :-/
ReplyDeleteI've not had difficulty with the maintaining of friendships - tend to have small number of good/close friends - with a very low turnover rate ... but lately, having lost one of those friends, I definitely find a big gap to be filled - and among the teensy number of good/close friends I have, I really want a lot more "contact"/engagement/interactivity - for me that's mostly about communication & trust & such ... not super easy to well establish and build up, but too, quite doable. Unfortunately among my teensy number of remaining good/close friends, I'm mostly finding that that's not there presently (e.g. they're rather/quite unavailable/unresponsive, or the interest there just isn't sufficiently mutual or otherwise mutually beneficial, making for a rather lopsided drain they're just not *that* interested in) ... so, ... anyway, definitely got a serious gap to (back)fill at present. But I digress, enough about me.
So, finding/making friends - and tips/advice. (Would be great too, if everyone was highly effective at well following their own good advice.) In some ways, I find much of the stuff that's practical and works for finding someone for a relationship, is also pretty useful/similar for finding/building friendship ... sure, some significant differences (different criteria/objectives) ... but still quite a bit of overlap. Let's see, various useful bits:
o put yourself out there - be accessible, social/sociable, etc., as feasible
o be interesting to other(s)
o don't be a drag/drain/downer/needy/etc. - though it might work a bit,
it mostly scares people away, turns them off, and/or burns them out
(can also set up nasty codependencies and other negative goop)
o If/when you're dreading going out, meeting folks, etc. and really very
much *not* looking forward to it, have negative/bad attitude (e.g.
feel sure you're going to fail at it), then back the hell away from it
and give yourself a break - don't come back to it until you can feel
at least reasonably sufficiently positive about it (if you're going
into it too negative, it'll feel like sh*t, and you'll mostly just
scare folks away anyway, and that'll only tend to make one feel that
much more negative about it).
o do stuff you enjoy - with/around other people. They're more likely to
find you interesting/attractive if/when you're doing stuff you enjoy.
And besides, you get to then enjoy yourself along the way - even if
you don't make friends or make friends right away.
Those are my "tips"/"rules" ... but also, to rules, there are exceptions. E.g. sometimes being around folks dealing with some common issue(s)/concern(s) can work rather to quite well - even if one might feel like sh*t or uncomfortable there - there may be a fair number of other folks feeling similarly - might form some common bond there. Just don't get into some negative codependency thing.
Probably *lots* of other useful tips/ideas, and what works/doesn't work tends to be quite individual person-by-person, ... so, ... what I suggest might mostly work rather to quite well for me, what works and works well for you or anyone else may be rather to quite different.